I’ve wanted an over the range microwave for years. I’d really love to have that space on the counter, where the current white microwave sits, for other stuff. Well, the day came when we took advantage of Black Friday deals and we headed off to pick up the one we’ve been looking at. A drive down the hill to the local Lowe’s with some giggles along the way about drivers and melting snow puddles. It was an outing as well as a shopping mission of sorts. Let me back up the SUV and give you some more details.
At the end of October, my husband badly damaged his knee. Movement was limited and the couch became his best friend with his side kicks Ice Pack and Heating Pad. I think you get the picture. We had a conversation about a week prior about my boundaries and expectations so that I wasn’t putting extra pressure on myself. We’ve noticed that I’m ok for a few days when he’s down and out but this knee injury was tagged onto the end of a cold/flu combo. Poor guy hasn’t had a healthy day in almost 6 weeks. It’s time for him to get out into the sunshine. So we went to buy our microwave.
We got front row parking, “Princess Parking” as I call it and then made our way into the store. With the clicking of his crutches on the tiled floor, we wove our way through the Christmas wonderland display (so didn’t have to go that way but I wanted to) and down to the appliances department. We found the microwave, found a sales person, got said microwave brought to us and then deposited up front until we were ready. From there we went and checked out a few area rugs to get the vision we both had. I always laugh at how close our taste is. Then I giggle and wonder if his taste is my taste because sometimes it’s easier that way. No, this time he had strong opinions about colors and patterns. I like that. I don’t like storming the gate with MY IDEA and everything being my way or the highway. That’s the way I used to be. In control and knowing more than my ex husband when it came to pretty much everything. That girl is gone now. I like who I am again with my connection to HER growing more and more everyday. So, on our way back to the check out, back through the Christmas wonderland display (I love it so much) then a quick stop to get a Christmas cactus. Once we were at the checkout, everything was great. Easy peasy checkout experience and then off to the car. I think that’s when something happened.
I’ve done a boat load of changing over the past few years and nobody has seen the unfolding, peeling and transforming like my hubby has. If I could convince him to tattoo a gold medal on his chest I would. The man is a saint. Because he was on crutches, he couldn’t push the cart with microwave balanced across the top with a lil Christmas cactus tucked in the corner of the slightly folded child seat and a purse perched on the handle. Across the slightly melted snow I go like the woman in charge. I could feel something bubbling up. Not sure what it was but I don’t ignore things anymore. If they want up, I let them bubble up and out. We get to the SUV, open the back and I position the cart so I can man handle that microwave right into the back of the vehicle. Oh oh… it’s coming up even higher now. Hubby said he’d go put the cart in the cart parking lot and I took it from him and ordered him into the car. I honestly felt like I was possessed. What the hell is going on. As I walked the cart over I started to feel emotion on the move. Look out!!! She’s gonna blow! I got back to the car, sat down and burst into tears.
I had a realization of who I used to be and who I don’t want to be any longer. I felt so disconnected from HER at that moment that is scared the hell out of me. I’ve worked tirelessly for 2 1/2 years finding that piece of me that was missing. It was HER and I didn’t like the conflict I was experiencing. To give you some reference, I’m triggered by women that do everything. The martyrs of the world. I was one. I had no problem being one back then. I didn’t trust people. I was a controlling individual that disguised it as organized and efficient (confession time!). When I was doing something that normally my hubby would do, I had an emotional reaction. The energy in my body was pushing something up. At the time I was so confused. Was I reacting to having to move that microwave myself or was I reacting to how I honestly didn’t like being the martyr but chose to anyway way back when. As I sat and cried, and actually hyperventilated a bit (that was weird in itself), I could feel myself calming down. I was facing another shadow head on. I don’t have to be that person any longer. I’m loved, trusted, respected and heard. I don’t know if I have an absolute answer about what happened that day but this I do know. I realize now how much I’m loved. I don’t have to control anything or anyone. As I was moving the microwave, I think my mind was having a flashback and my HERwithin was having an “it’s okay, you’re okay” moment and the two of them collided. In the end, the message I was receiving from HER had a lasting impact as opposed to the freak out moment that my mind/ego created. This was a lesson for me in the power of that quiet voice from within. HER voice is a whisper but is far stronger than the flashing scenes of the past the ego was throwing at me like pop ups on my browser.
When you Find HER, you change. You can Feel HER and Hear HER but only if your Honour HER. When you receive messages like I did, Honour HER in that moment by talking it through, let the emotions bubble up and out and use the universe’s clean up crew of tears to wash away what no longer serves you. When you face the shadows with HER, you have a better change of clearing them out of your mind and past. I feel better for that moment and I’m not embarrassed when they happen. That’s one shadow that won’t be back to bother me … all because we bought a microwave.